“You always seem so calm”: ADHD and feeling grounded from the inside

This week, I was talking to a lovely breathwork class attendee about ADHD.

She’s been to numerous events of mine, and said she only realised from a recent social media post that I have ADHD, like her. She was surprised as I always seem so calm.

At one time, I would have felt like a fraud for this. Because inside, I would not have matched up with the front I was trying to put on for the world.

Beneath the surface, I was frequently panicking, doubting myself and fearing being ‘found out’. And I did not have many (any) self-regulation tools for my poor nervous system.

I was reminded of when someone said this to me before.

The last time was a good few years ago in an old marketing job. It was a colleague’s last day in the office, and she wrote lovely personal farewell notes to everyone.

In my note, my departing colleague said she was always impressed by my ability to stay calm. 

Part of this may have actually been that people with ADHD are great in a crisis; we have an inclination to thrive under pressure - I wish this wasn’t the case sometimes, as it’s not always healthy.

Nevertheless, I couldn’t believe she’d written it; I was shocked that people saw me like that. Pleasantly so, I guess, but even before I was ADHD diagnosed, I was aware I was masking a lot. I didn’t feel calm inside, most of the time (particularly at work). Instead of just asking for support, I feared ‘looking stupid’ (or getting the sack).

I’m not saying I’m now calm 100% of the time. But I know that I’m not putting on a front when people see me feeling grounded, doing work that I love. I do feel like being genuinely calm is more of a state of being for me these days. Because I’ve done the work to make that happen, and continue to.

Being permanently calm is not a standard any of us should be aspiring to. (Perfectionism is a scourge of our society.) I’m not pretending I’m never stressed, angry, or messy and human anymore. Let out your rage (healthily), forgive yourself for the occasional overreaction, avoid letting shame creep in over a stressy day. We all do it.

But when we’re regulated, it’s not about how we appear; people can feel that it’s genuine. Internally. We co-regulate each other’s nervous systems (part of why breathwork is so powerful).

When I’m in spaces leading embodiment practices, it naturally has that calming effect on me. And I’ve learned enough to know that when I have moments of panic, or off-days, I have the tools at my disposal to bring me back to a centred place.

I can detach from the spiral of worry, rumination and overthinking, and come back to my body. It may still take more time on some days than others, but I don’t feel powerless to do anything. I don’t feel like a slave to catastrophising or black-and-white thinking.

I’m not saying all this to show off or say I’m better than anyone else. I just want people to know that positive change is entirely possible, and inevitable, when we commit to loving ourselves. Because I know how it feels to be stuck in feeling I’ll never be able to meditate, or stop doubting myself, or have the confidence to do the things I really want to do.

It took me diagnoses of ADHD, generalised anxiety disorder and heavily depressed phases of my life to finally pay myself some attention and believe that change was possible for me.

To give myself that all-important self-compassion, and give my feeling body some attention (emotions are the language of the body), rather than letting our thinking mind run the show.

With ADHD, we can feel helpless and bound to traits like scattered attention, emotional dysregulation, a fraught nervous system, etc. And those things are not fixed; or beyond our control to change. They’re not our destined ways of experiencing the world. They’re signs from inside us of things asking for a deeper look, a little compassion.

I used to identify with many of the things you’ll read on an ADHD NHS page; that’s why I got diagnosed. But I never felt like those were things I would just have to live with. I had a growth mindset of looking at what I could change, that wasn’t helping me. Getting really interested in what I could do to start feeling more comfortable in my own skin.

So I had to start committing to getting the hang of practices that would help me be able to get quiet with myself, to not reject my own company in favour of constant doing, or noise, or striving. I know meditation feels impossible at first and I’m not saying you MUST do it but all I know is I can’t start a single day without it now, and I don’t use guided apps. I’m at my most authentic self when I’m in that natural seat of awareness.

I started learning about somatic processing and nervous system regulation, to help shift, manage and more deeply understand this constant tension and restlessness I carried in my body. I had to change my relationship with things that ruined my ability to feel grounded and present. Like alcohol, social media, talking shit about people, online shopping, etc - being curious about the various things we use to chase dopamine then feel worse afterwards.

After trying out various talk therapists, I started doing breathwork, daily meditation (I did *start* with guided apps and now have my own mantra I was given in breathwork training), calming yoga (no more exercises for ‘fitness’), cold water swimming, and somatic therapy. Oh, and I journalled a LOT. (I kept 5 different types of daily journals at one point 😂) I was no longer escaping mental overwhelm and racing thoughts; I was making friends with my body and mind.

I got really clear on how I was talking to myself. And I got more open in general, talking to other people rather than struggling alone. I started a mental health podcast, Same Shit Different Brain, to help others feel less alone, too.

I took all of my personal learning then made it my life’s work to help others love themselves more, too. It’s not about chasing a feeling of ‘calm’. To feel good from the inside out, we have to make peace with who we are, at every stage of our lives.

This isn’t a definitive list of everything I’ve done in my life to ‘feel calm’. A lot of it has come from going through some really difficult stuff and coming out the other side of it.

We don’t get calm by acting all zen and ignoring all the pain and hurt inside. We do it by sitting with our emotions, deeply feeling and processing them. Owning our sadness, our shame, our rage, our hurt, our grief, our frustration. The only way through is through. No spiritual bypassing over here.

I love helping people feel more human and get their spark back. When you get quiet with yourself, your inner voice gets too loud to ignore.

Read more about my next online breathwork course and other events.